December 11, 2007

fairy princess with an edge

i don't think we ever grow out of our insecurities. For awhile I thought that the older we got the less we worried about what other people think of us we would be. She'll always worry about seeing her old high school crush at a friend's wedding, even though she's happily married, has a house and a great job. She'll always avoid people she knows because small talk makes her uncomfortable and she's sure they're laughing at her back as she walks away. It comforts me to know that I'm not the only one who is still like this.
Work might be frustrating me. I might feel invisible sometimes.
I miss North Carolina a lot these days. I am not unhappy here nor do I regret moving back. The exact opposite in fact. I'm just lucky enough to have two homes and when I am in one my heart is in the other. I also miss Bette and am not sure why she had to go so far away that I cannot reach her by cell phone. Upsetting that I cannot share random goodness with her. Email is not the same.
I recently finished the most amazing book I have ever read, Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortensen. This book literally changed my life and I beg you to read it. In fact I will buy it for you. It honestly deserves some sort of review but I've lent it to Sam so that will have to wait. Please at least check out the website - It is truly amazing the impact that one man can have on so many people.
I like receiving lamps, talking about taking trips and talking on the phone for at least half an hour every night I don't see you. I could get used to this but probably shouldn't let myself do that. Just in case. A girl's gotta be on the defensive because you never know.
And now you must explain to me why I am up at 1:15AM on a week day. I blame the cookies.

November 9, 2007

do it with the bathroom door open

As of tomorrow I am officially moving out of my parents' house for good. I'm sure I thought that very thing as I got onto I465 last November, my car packed full of my things, and headed down South to the land of the pines. This time I do mean it though. I've got a nice little apartment downtown in a cute historic neighborhood called Woodruff Place. There are trees and fountains down the center of the streets and a town hall where neighbors still hold meetings and plan events. I have grand plans for this apartment. Life will be good. No, scratch that, life is good. Mmmm I like being able to say that, though now I've certainly jinxed myself.
The job is good. I'm learning a lot about the inner workings of a magazine while randomly floating around. A small sample of how we spend our days:

Those are my boss's dogs, who accompany her to work every day, eating whipped cream from Starbucks. Other things that have been discussed include killer midget's with boxcutters jumping out of the trees downtown to kill innocent bystanders, penis ties and pictures (this was in an art contest meeting for the children's magazines), the fact that I got a doggy penis stuck in my face (the smallest one in the middle above) and facebook.
I leave you many (and by many I mean few) readers with an excerpt from a Jamie Cullum song that I feel is fitting to my mood these days.

It's just another story caught up
In another photograph I found.
And it seems like another person lived that life a great many years ago from now,
When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.

October 15, 2007

glad to have a friend like you

the sign of a true friend
  • she offers to let you borrow her underwear when you've forgotten yours
  • she says if she gets her own place first you can know...bring guys over
  • she comes to get you at 6AM the morning after a late night to take you to your car so you can drive home to your family emergency
  • she's there for you after she tried to warn you about him and never says "i told you so"
  • she's there for you when you get it right the second time
  • she reassures you that you're not trashy when you're certain that you are
  • she has late night hot pocket eating/kitchen floor posing sessions with you
  • you im each other from down the hall. or even better when in the same room
  • she laughs at you when you do stupid things like pee in your pants but she never tells anyone
  • you can tell her even your most embarrassing thoughts without your face turning red
  • sometimes you hate her, but most of the time you love her
  • you can call her for no reason at all and end up talking for an hour
  • you've read your diaries out loud to each other and died laughing at what they say
  • she's been your pee buddy, whether it's in the woods or because the bathroom door is open
  • she knows without asking that when you got home from the bars you ordered the big 10 from pizza express
  • she's warded off unwanted romantic attention your manager showered on you. countless times.
i will be corny and happy that i have the most lovely girls ever.

September 16, 2007

deja what?

I've had some very odd dreams lately. They usually include some reference to camp. Other than that, they're pretty random. Last night, in the middle of the part of my dream where a little girl gets kidnapped by a very frightening man in a red shirt, I had dream deja vu. I literally thought, in my dream, I've had this very dream before. I'm not entirely sure if that's true but it was very weird nonetheless. I woke up feeling unsettled.

This weekend has been fairly enlightening. I discovered that it's much easier to trash talk someone to their face when they are drunk. OK, trash talk is a bit strong. Let's go with telling someone that you really think they're a dirtbag because of certain things they've done to certain friends. I also discovered that it's easier than I thought to be friends with someone I didn't really want to see again a short three months ago. And taking a step back as I have now makes me see clearly the reasons that we didn't have a whole lot of contact for awhile. Funny how those things become blurry when you're up too close to someone. I also discovered that as a girl I should apparently be defining myself as "so and so's girlfriend". Well, I have a few problems with this. One, and mostly, I am no one's girlfriend. Two, and really just as mostly, if I was, I would not introduce myself as such. I happen to be my own independent person. This came about because I was at a party with people I didn't know. I sat at a table with three other girls and we did the whole introductions thing. One looked at the girl named Erin and said "Oh, you're Phil's girlfriend." Erin said yes, and oh you're so and so's girlfriend, right? The first girl then looked at me and asked, "Are you anyone's girlfriend?" I replied no and thought to myself when did we start simply being someone's girlfriend?

A continuation of the things I'll miss about the South list
~ma'am and sir
~country songs playing at bars
~men holding doors for women
~cowboy boots and dresses/skirts
~girls tailgating in cute sundresses

September 5, 2007

indiana bound

i'm tan and proud as a result of hanging out at the pool for approximately 4 hours yesterday. it'll probably fade soon. i've been missing taco day at camp so i made my own for dinner tonight, complete with yummy homemade guacamole. i would like to say that i'm a decent cook. next on the list: pie. without the help of renee, the pie guru, which could prove to be very difficult.
in other news i'm moving. i'm taking my sweet black and white fuzzy couch and moving back to indianapolis. i feel like a bit of a hypocrite since i spent so much time this past year talking shit about people who graduated and moved back to our home town. this is not the same though. i mean, i went out and experienced the world man. i have good reason. i got a job at a children's magazine in marketing. i'm pretty freaking excited. except that leaving north carolina will be very sad. i love it here and am quite sure that someday i will end up in this lovely state again, preferably in the mountains. i am going to keep a running list of things i will miss about the south and nc. here's a start.

*the mountains and the beach in one state
*perfect strangers saying smiling and saying hello in the street and me not having to worry too much about them being pervy because people are just more friendly down here
*sweet tea, which i've started drinking recently
*southern accents
*people freaking out about 2 inches of snow

i have a feeling that the next few weeks are going to be very hectic. or i will put off preparing for the move until the week before i leave, which will be the week after our trip to ithaca so even better, and then i'll be losing my mind right before i go. yipeeee!!!!!

August 20, 2007

it's only life after all. yeah.

i feel a bit weird posting bits of my life on the internet. this is an awfully public place to be writing about my life, isn't it? oh well, the personal element often gets left out. seriously just look at my facebook profile if you want personal. you'll see that my religion is worshiping the brits, my music taste is "goodbye earl" by the dixie chicks and that i look hott playing kickball in pink pantaloons.

tonight i was talking to my mom about something that had happened last spring in bloomington and i realized how long ago that seems. in reality bloomington was only a year and a half ago but so much has happened since then. i feel like i've lived a whole other life in that year and a half.

i'm back in raleigh at the moment. well not literally since i'm home in indianapolis right now. i moved into a cute apartment and am the proud owner of a black and white fuzzy couch. i'm going through camp withdrawal, as i do at the end of every summer. i think i can safely say that this ties for my most wonderful summer ever (with my second summer on staff). i ended up having junior line instead of hillside, which meant 8-11 year olds. honestly i cannot imagine having any other girls. i loved giving hugs and holding hands and being all out silly with my sweet junior mints. i have also never been so endlessly proud of a group of girls. every single day one of them did something that made me smile a mile wide. how can girls so little stretch themselves so much? i see so much potential in them. i watched them grow so much over just five and a half weeks. and my staff. i cannot compliment them enough. i would've been lost without such an amazing group of counselors. and we all had so much fun. good summer camp fun. lots of lake jumping in our clothes (especially after hot days at the barn during june camp), nights in town, even getting pulled over by a cop, lots of late nights up in the office, random and ridiculous adventures on days off.

now i'm writing a lot more. i'm looking for a big girl job. i'm wishing i could run back to the mountains where people look up to me and i'm a somebody.

June 29, 2007

where the rhododendron grow

i've been at camp for a little over a month now. time has absolutely flown by. june camp is over and i'm sitting at bette's house in charlotte waiting to finish my ridiculous amounts of laundry. tomorrow we head back to tuxedo to get ready for the 5 1/2 week session.
during june camp bette and i tackled the job of heads of riding. we got the fun task of making the schedule each week, which entailed putting 140 girls in lessons for the whole week. good thing half of them were group ones and we only have something like 3 group one horses. despite the many schedule glitches i think things went fairly smoothly. we have a wonderful riding staff who are all knowledgeable and eager to learn about the green cove way of life.
i'm living in the villa, which is a counselors only cabin, so no little kiddies of my own to take care of 24/7. i wake up right before breakfast and go out in the evenings if i want to after alls done at camp. most of the time though i found myself staying up late in the head counselor's office doing paperwork type things or just passing out at the early hour of 11pm. i am being more social this summer, which is suprisingly fun. mingling with other people, fun? craziness i know. bette's house in tryon has become something of a hot spot you could say. both our days off during june camp ended there with large gatherings. one night included british drink concoctions and a hot tub. the other involved PIE and cookies. basically magical. of course summer isn't summer without bette's tryon house. it's in the middle of a horse-y town with a 3 stall barn next to the house, which is small and adorable and filled with horse-y decorations. the front porch, complete with rocking chairs, overlooks the pasture where their horses get turned out and in the horizon is the misty outline of the mountains.
i'm honestly very much looking forward to main camp. no more ponies, which is sad, but i'm moving up to a linehead. i'll get to be in charge of a group of cabins - counselors and campers of the age 13-14. great age, i know. new challenges await i'm sure. meanwhile the job search continues and i'm trying not to think about the hassle of moving that awaits me in raleigh at the end of the summer.

May 13, 2007

the romance equation

I just finished a wonderfully hysterical book called Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbons. It's sort of a parody of the Jane Austen genre. Now I do like Jane Austen but I love a good parody and laugh even more. Nothing better than a little sarcasm and over the top dramatic and flowery descriptions and overdone characters. An excerpt from the book,

"She knew from experience that intellectuals thought the proper - nay, the only
- way to fall in love with somebody was to do it the very instant you saw them.
You met somebody, and thought they were 'A charming person. So gay and simple.'
Then you walked home from a party with them (preferably across Hampstead Heath,
about three in the morning) discussing whether you should sleep together or not.
Sometimes you asked them to go to Italy with you. Sometimes they asked yout o go
to Italy (preferably to Portofino) with them. You held hands, and laughed, and
kissed them and called them your 'true love'. You loved them for eight months
and then you met somebody else and began being gay and simple all over again,
with small-hours' walks across Hampstead, Portofino invitation, and all."

I like this quote because it rings true and there's a certain sense of silliness to it as it doesn't take itself too seriously. For instance the set up, that this is the way intellectuals fall in love, mocks the way people have standards and formulas for love, which doesn't follow a formula. But of course this is the way it should be done. This method for falling in love works today too though. I mean how many times have you or one of your friends met someone at a party, walked home with them discussing the possibility of sex at three AM, "fall in love", and a short time later moved on to someone else? Happens all the time. You make plans, it all seems so easy and then it's over. Really just a fabulously annoying pattern that maybe one day will lead, completely on accident of course, to the right one. Dating is a pain in the ass. As is being single. Done and done.

Tonight I miss Bloomington in a way I haven't since I've moved. The weather has temporarily cooled off for a bit and it feels like a late spring/early summer night in Indiana. Bette and I are determined to finish the large amounts of Corona that Ang's cousin left in our fridge last weekend. So I opened one up, took it out to the front steps along with my laptop and started making a mix (or three). All I could think of was last year around this time when Marnie, Sam and I would sit on the porch and drink beer or play beer pong in the front yard or watch tv in the living room with all the windows open. I miss my roommates and I miss those nights second semester. Funny how when I look back on them I don't remember all the drama with Jaime or the stress of graduating or the family stuff that exploded in my face right about this time. I like that I remember that time as just peaceful.

April 26, 2007


vanity fair has the best horoscopes hands down. they include the effect of planet positions, which houses they are in and where they are on your chart. of course i am a believer in horoscopes so vanity fair's is like a double win for me. this month mine reads,

naturally you're a bit restless these days. you're a wild bird, not some parakeet that gets let out of its cage only to cling to somebody's arm. when saturn transits the western horizon, however, you've got to get over your desire for complete independence and accept the fact that you want company. while you know damn well that the only person who's going to take care of you financially in your old age is you, the fact is that you get spooked when you're left alone. maybe there is a touch of parakeet in you after all."

it's true. i'm a parakeet underneath my wild bird exterior but i hate admitting to it. one of my better personality flaws to come out since i've moved away.

we've started getting lots of regular early morning coffee drinkers at work besides our 3 0r 4 regulars. i like our early morning regulars because they don't chit chat. i do not want to make small talk with you at 6:30am. come back in two hours. one of these is a european gentleman. he speaks in a fairly heavy italian accent, wears a leather jacket over his shoulders and uses copious amounts of hairgel. he orders an espresso. this morning i suddenly saw him standing outside, smoking a cigarette and knocking on our window, obviously trying to get my attention. when i looked his way he signaled two with his fingers. confused, i walked towards the door to see what he so desperately needed as he continued to flash the two fingers. he beat me to it, opened the door and said "i want a double espresso (hence the two). i forgot that you don't allow cigarettes in the cafe here and lit one right before i came in." ok fine. the smoke in cafes in europe. apparently they leave their manners outside though. this is not a drivethrough fool. i do not take your order while you stand outside. i was a bit cool when he did come in and i think he noticed. he was very complimentary of our espresso (delicious. even better than in italy.) and i hope he felt at least a little bad.

April 21, 2007

boys have cooties

well i'm about to sign away yet another summer to green cove. the fifth to be exact. though last summer didn't fully count since it was just june camp. this year though the whole summer. and i get positions of importance. bette and i are running the riding program duing june camp. that in and of it self should be interesting. and by that i mean complete insanity. during main camp i'm going to be the hillside linehead. this means that i'll be in charge of a group of cabins of girls age 13. this line is notorious for having naked days where they run around the cabins wearing no clothes. they were once dubbed the "hookup hillsiders" in reference to their ability to get caught making out with boys in the bushes at dances. one. i do not do naked days. not even on wednesdays. two. i have no idea how to deal with 13 year olds kissing boys. i was scared of boys at 13. let's face it, i'm still scared of boys. needless to say, it'll be fun. of course i won't be actually living in a cabin with girls, which means more nights out for bette and i. maybe i'll even be social this summer. GASP!
in other news today was an absolute beach day. i can say that more realistically than i've ever been able to before because i now live a mere 2 hours from the beach. i could wake up and drive there tomorrow morning. it'd be a long drive but i could do it nonetheless. i must go before i leave for camp. one of the many reasons north carolina is fabulous.

April 3, 2007

when dinosaurs roamed the earth

i have a new favorite website,, a celebrity gossip website. not only celebrity gossip, but also trash talking celebrities like it's your job. for example, on mariah carey thinking about adoption,
"If you made a list of people less qualified to be a parent than Jessica Simpson there'd only be one name on it and it'd be Mariah Carey. And maybe a drawing of an angry dinosaur. But even that would be behind Mariah."
now i don't have a problem with mariah carey but seriously, an angry dinosaur? i think i like these stories because they come up with the most random insults. why is it ok to make fun of celebrities in such a blatant way? i guess they ask for it when they put themselves in the public spotlight. sure they don't ask for their every move, stupid or not, to be documented and published. that simply comes in the job description, a benefit of being famous.

i've started a serious apartment hunt in the raleigh/chapel hill area. tomorrow i am taking my laptop with me to work and dedicating the afternoon to applying to jobs and sprucing up my resume. because every time i say i'm going to do that at home after work i just pass out on the couch or in my bed. UNproductive. i'm actually excited about living by myself. i'm finally going to get a dog. i'll get to clean whenever i want, put whatever i want on the walls, run around naked (come on, don't deny it, you do that when no one's home) and play my music loudly whenever i want. of course a single will probably encourage more conversations with myself. as if i don't have enough of those already.

March 20, 2007

loans, court dates and new cars oh my

i wandered over to guster's website today (i've been doing a lot of this kind of wandering today because i have no car to go run errands such as the groccery and the post office or start my new tutoring job) and found a new road journal entry. i'm posting the link here in hopes that you'll read it. one because it's guster and even better brian writes and is highly amusing. two because there's mention of the ncaa tournament. three because there is mention of passover. four because there are silly drawings of the band and crew members. you have to click on the link to the left that says "road journal". check it out.
in other news i've discovered the downside of being a grown up. i said i wanted responsibility and i still do but it doesn't feel as good and liberating as i had hoped.
in other other news i'm going home this weekend. i'm thrilled and cannot wait to see my family and hopefully get down to bloomington.
my quote of the day, "there are two kinds of animals in this world, dogs and cats. kind of like there are two kinds of people, indie and new age." {casey, the morning times manager}

March 17, 2007

the (potential) death of franny

i've killed franny. on my way to work yesterday i rear ended a car. i'm not entirely sure it was my fault as he was stopped in the middle of the road, no hazard lights on or anything. though mostly my fault. by the time the whole ordeal was over i was 2 hours late for work, sopping wet and shivering, and had recieved a ticket and a mandatory court date, which conviniently falls right in the middle of our chicago excursion. you can view the damages to the left. the radiator is also apparently smashed back. i'm fucked. either i clean out my savings account to fix the damages or i clean out my savings account to buy a new car. oh well, minor setback.

March 12, 2007

today is monday and it sucks

i was literally about to curl up in bed and take a nap and on cue someone started cutting the grass outside my window. now, thanks to the loud motor noises, i will surely not be able to sleep. and right now all i want is to disappear into a nap for a bit. i was hoping for a refreshing weekend and it started off just that way. i think i came out the other end just as baffled and unsure as i went in. i had my first week of personal training sessions (yes the gym is sucking money out of me like it's their job. at least i'll be hot. um i mean in shape...) scheduled for 4:30 this week thinking that i was done with louisburg tutoring. i came home from work this afternoon, sat down on my bed and my phone rang. of course it's never the phone call that i want, but the very opposite. etta holmes calling to ask if i can just tutor for this one last week because she's having trouble filling my spot. and beause i'm a sucker and a pushover i say yes. so, now i have to call rodney the personal trainer and ask him if i can reschedule. and we all know how much i hate making phone calls to people i don't really know. i'm putting it off. i need to plan out exactly what i am going to say, especially if i have to leave a voicemail. i've been planning out lots of conversations in my head. the other most important one i am trying to work up the courage to have. i'm just not sure it's necessary anymore and if it is still then is it a good idea at all? i don't want my happiness to depend on someone else and i do want to find the courage to tell that someone else how i feel.

March 7, 2007

job numero dos

the neighbor cats are fighting loudly below my window. not the first serenade i've gotten since i've been down here but sadly the most recent one. i'd rather it be "you've lost that loving feeling".
i've recently felt like i'm living two days in one. the first consists of the coffee shop and i have no complaints. the second has me driving an hour there and an hour back for only two hours of actual work. this is my tutoring job and it's a pain in my ass that will soon be gone. i spent lots of time discussing the pros and cons of this second job (mostly with myself on my drives to and from said job). i enjoy some of the kids. i liked tutoring reading. i dislike a lot of the kids. they're disrespectful, calling me "ma'am" in a sarcastic tone, they don't try and disrupt the class. the drive is a monumental Pain In The Ass and gas prices are going up. i just don't feel that it's worth my time. and i'm generally cranky whenever i think of going. so i'm done. i really hate quitting but i think my sanity and happiness are at stake.
in other news i'm afraid i'm being used. or that all parties involved are confused and unsure. ugh i'm too exhausted to be thinking about this crap (again...). it's 10:30 and time for bed.

March 5, 2007

post the first

i have decided to leave my not so emo but emo by default livejournal past behind and get a grown up blog. that doesn't make sense i realize but deal with it. besides i like fresh starts and since i've moved i've been all about fresh starts.
i'm opening at the coffeeshop every day this week but tomorrow. this requires me to set me alarm (or rather alarms because i started turning off just the one in my sleep) for 5am and 5:25am in order for me to drag myself out of bed, brush my teeth and get dressed in a half asleep fashion. all just to park my car 5 blocks from the store and walk through the sketchy part of downtown before the sun comes up. i'd honestly rather work in the mornings though because then i have my whole day in front of me when i get off at noon. or i have small and sometimes sticky children to teach maths to, except that i have no idea how to teach maths. but that's a whole other story. plus i do thoroughly enjoy seeing the same customers every morning and guessing in my head what they want. last week a man came in who orders a latte every day. only he looks a lot like a man who orders a "grande caramel latte, extra hot" so when he said "i want my regular, can you guess what that is?" i said, "uummm, large coffee?" so now i keep my guesses to myself.
i do have two trips to look forward to coming up: going home at the end of march and going to chicago with bette for our "spring break" to visit marnie and meredith.
and now i'm going to help bette write a paper!!!! this, sadly enough, makes my night. my secret's out, i love writing papers.