February 28, 2008

If I could be anywhere

I'd like to think I'd want to be here. There is absolutely no reason why here wouldn't be the first place I'd choose right now. I'm disgustingly happy most of the time. My friends are silly, great drinking buddies, fabulous listeners and excellent email writers. My job is fun, challenging and exciting. My apartment is covered in tiny black hairs thanks to my puppy. I'm riding again, which makes me indescribably happy. My boyfriend, when he puts his arms around me I feel completely safe and content.

OK fine, so stop rubbing it in my face, you say. Here's the thing - if you came up to me right now and asked me that question, If you could be anywhere, where would it be - my answer would not be right here. First instinct, easy. Camp. I want to be there every single day. I want to be in the middle of summertime in the mountains with my Green Cove girls, not having showered in three days and feeling clean. Next I might say Bloomington. I miss our porch, I miss Sam and Marnie always being a room away, I miss our smelly neighbors, I miss classes and campus, I miss IUET, silly crushes, not so silly crushes, beer at 2pm, and yes even Jimmy John's. I'd say Raleigh lastly because that's where I found myself and I might have left a little bit of the old me there when I moved home. I want to be roommate's with Bette again and work at the coffeeshop. I want to go to Chapel Hill for Shabbat dinner. I want to ride Clyde with Hilary. I want southern accents, Harris Teeter and sweet tea.

So what if we are never happy where we are? What if, despite everything, a little part of us longs to be somewhere else? I always thought I was lucky to have two homes, here and camp, and that's still true. I just wonder if it's possible to be content where you are and miss everywhere you've been at the same time.

February 13, 2008

let's keep it there

i should really be working. page schedule and copy for the july/august issue of the magazine are due to art director phyllis tomorrow. i'm about halfway there. i love getting to pick out what goes into an issue and imagining kids excitedly going through it.

last friday adam and i went to indy winefest, a fabulous and large wine tasting at the indiana roof ballroom. everyone was dressed up, whole foods passed out little yummy truffles in tiny plastic cups, we drank lots and lots of wine. as we wandered around, half people watching half wine table watching, adam asked me if i'd seen anyone i knew yet. i laughed and responded with "seriously, if we'd seen someone i knew we would be running in the other direction. do you not know that about me by now?" this is not always entirely true. just generally so. the majority of the population in indianapolis that i "know" i would run from. the select few who i wouldn't i see on a regular basis. i'm not a bitch, i just don't fuck around with people i don't like. plain and simple.

i notice that more and more people end up being with someone they went to high school with. i'm mostly talking about my graduating class and their recent (and not recent) engagements, relationships and marriages. i can understand wanting to be with someone who you've known for so many years. you have a common history, common friends, common jokes. that's why my closest friends are those i've known forever. i just wonder sometimes if it isn't better to start with a clean slate and create new history and jokes and a life with the person you're going to be doing forever with. now don't get me wrong, i have nothing against my past. i don't want to ignore it, push it under a rock or anything like that. i'm just saying, isn't it refreshing to know that your significant other never saw your awkward middle school days (or in my case, awkward middle and high school days), only gets to hear you reminisce about unrequited crushes, and has no idea about any past drama you had with anyone and therefore doesn't care and has no desire to rehash it? plus i thoroughly enjoy divulging my past in the way i saw it happen. i get to describe camp through my eyes instead of you seeing it. i get to talk about the blisters that covered my hands in the days of crew instead of you having watched me pick at them. i get to slowly and methodically tell you about ava without you having seen my puffy red eyes, hearing my guilt filled what ifs and watching everyone in my family act like they were holding each other together when we were all really floating out there alone in confusion.

oh wow, this has been a more ponderous blog entry than i meant for it to be. i'll end with this: i'm riding tonight for the first time in 5 months, first lesson in a year and a half. my boyfriend doesn't care what we do on valentine's day, he just wants to spend time with me. he's lovely. my dog ate sugar cookies, press n seal and foil this morning. she's a crazy piece of work.

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